ya dads aren't the best wingmen
Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
She is making me post-sex grilled cheese at 2 am wearing only shorts and cowboy boots. I am so in love
I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
i spent 45 minuets spilling my heart out to him telling him i was in love with this other guy sorry. when i was done he asked me to give him a blow job. i did. i have commitment problems
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
I maybe just had sex outside in broad daylight. At a state park. Please be proud.
Just orgasmed in traffic. Starting to have feelings for my commute.
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
She clicked her fingers, said "here boy!", and pointed at her vagina.
His ass WILL be my cock's next vacation home.
I wish I had a dick so I could say shit like that.
Yeah I had this grand plan to bring flaming dr pepper shots to some girls and say "these shots are hot, but not as hot as you" but instead I lit the bar on fire
WHY DID HE INTRODUCE ME TO HIS MOM? CAN'T HE JUST HIDE ME LIKE EVERYONE ELSE I'VE EVER DATED?@!
We had a quickie at work in the office. He walked out before me, and I fell asleep while waiting a few minutes to walk out. Yeah. He's got that change your life dick
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
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