My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
i just realized i've hooked up with every boy in this taco bell
That's the classiest thing you've ever said.
Hannah Montana > iCarly
I'm disregarding that text and your testicles entirely
the date was going great.. until he pulled down his pants and asked if there was any hair in between his cheeks.
The fact that I found him in his Ninja Turtles t-shirt next to six empty and obviously consumed packs of EasyMac watching reruns of Becker certainly made telling him that I wanted a divorce so much easier than I had planned.
Blacked out, Had to be carried out of the bar again by two large black bouncers. Asked them to be my "boo thangz" Again.
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
And by defning the relationship I mean telling him I'm gonna fuck other people but its cool If he does the same.
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
Locals got pissed I was talking to the barmaid. Tried to tell me that they keep all the good beer at "a Soho walkup" Google saved me
Came home plastered at 8am. Roommate had hot glued all the ashtrays and various items to their surfaces. Couldn't handle it. Went back to the bar.
There's weed in my toothpaste. Explain.
There are condoms rolled onto each bunny ear of the ears I was wearing last night
Why does 10AM Spanish always turn into a discussion about my sex life?
Um. I just realized I still have a beer in my purse from last night. I'm at work. I am so classy.
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