moral of the story: I'm going to stab everyone
You gave him your vagina and this is what I get in return? This is bullshit!
Mat is currently running around his basement "trying to catch oxygen in his mouth."
I was debating whether her purse was real then I saw her puke in it.
i've already watched her fall off the steps, walk up on our porch and try to dance with the dog, and stumble across the street to stand outside the neighbors window...is it taking it too far to watch this rando girl and some guy have sex behind our parking lot now?
Sean getting laid is an anomaly, Sean banging the hottest single girl at the wedding is a fucking unicorn being ridden by a leprechaun walking through mordor.
I am a 5'4" ball of sexual frustration and vodka. It is that kind of night.
I am on top of a rooftop peeing on your freedom
Omg that was my second thought of the morning.
First was that we had pop tarts.
All I know is that I woke up with glitter all over me and blood on my shoes. It wasn't my blood.
We were kinda loud so his roommate woke up and to make up for it he invited him to a threesome. I can't drink whiskey anymore.
I sign my lease Thursday, I'm about to be released back into the wild.
I'll make missing person signs.
You're a good friend.
woke up to my little sister's best-friend's boyfriend in my bed, but how's your saturday going?
When we were finished she immediately got up, cut a star out of a piece of paper, colored it gold, taped it to my chest and deemed me the Sheriff of Sex.
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
Randomize
