update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
I was like, "um, that's my butthole."
we'll hang out once this whole, "your friends are robbers and drug addicts" thing blows over with my parents.
after a month anything with tits is on the radar
We'll make it into fun. If I can make wii bowling into a drinking game, I can make studying spanish into a sex game.
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
im still trying to figure out who put the honey mustard in the blender then put the entire blender into the freezer
Don't worry we did the "promise to get an abortion" handshake
His little brother just walked in, asked me if I'd blown his brother yet and then announced that he and his friends were going to play outside so we could play too.
Hefty paycheck and not get wasted can't exist in the same night
He's single. I'm single. We should rekindle our eighth grade romance over a box of wine and carefree sex.
I'm not a horrible person, I just see what everyone chooses to politely ignore.. And occasionally say it aloud whilst deeply intoxicated.
I told him if he wanted to lose weight he had to learn self control. Less than ten minutes after that I ate a cookie off the floor...
What did you two do last night and why did Sam send me a picture of your dick?
I’ve been home 1 day and already had sex with my ex and got a blowie from her cousin and currently I’m getting molested by a cougar at the bar!!!! Plenty to give thanks for this year!!!!
Randomize
