True true and the only thing that will burn more than the vodka we will consume is the shame in our loved one's eyes
And yet we make it a tradition to get inappropriately drunk at family functions. We amaze me.
At least it's not a funeral this time... I feel we're making improvements.
she was mega hot - except for the poop under her fingernails
the best part about tonight...knowing when i wake up in the morning his car will still be full of packing peanuts..and mine wont
I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
We shared that special kind of eye contact that can only be experienced when you know one party is saying "Oh god, I fucked him in the back seat when you were in the front, didn't I."
are you sure you're not interested? he's the dunkin donuts employee of the month.
Pray the makeout fairy visits me this weekend.
She calls me Shortcake and bites my ear. Trust me, I'm FINE with bein the secret lesbian lover.
side note. good thing you didn't come to drunk breakfast. we were judged by children.
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
That's what my new years consisted of. Consoling heartbroken girls and having people throw up in my hands.
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
Just used the pen i got in my signing ceremony to pack down my bowl. coach would be proud
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
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