His mom made me a necklace that i am supposed to wear to prom. She included a note with it, which had a star trek quote. What have I gotten myself into?
How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
college drinking is stealing all my money, thank god planned parenthood is somewhat free
ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
Why does my right nut always hang lower than my left nut?
Ate apple sauce off his penis. Nutritious and slutty.
You need to come over. I cant get her to stop eating honey mustard straight from the squeeze bottle
I think making out with someone could be the cure to all my problems. That or more cowbell.
A man just poked my foot with his crutches while I'm shitting. Is that how the disabled gays ask for a glory hole blow jay?
Dilemas of the modern woman: deciding whether or not to write on your ex's wall for his birthday. This is serious.
I walk in and my mom has a Christian workout program playing. It's like, gospel music with an "electronic" beat to go with it. And then they try to save your soul at the end. I hate being home.
Friends don't brand friends with cigars. It's not how it works.
Holy shit, I wanna ride him into the horizon.
I'd rather explain to the cops why I'm naked than why I'm drunk.
I just chased my birth control with Smirnoff. Shit's about to go down.
Randomize
