meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
on the list of things id be doing when i was almost 30, waiting for a girl to finish shitting the bed wasn't on there.
He dated me before I started drinking. I feel like he deserves a consolation bj for all the effort he had to put in to get in my pants.
My mom is helping me re-arrange my room to make New Year's more hook-up friendly
just had to sit in the middle of an aisle in stop and shop because we're too hungover and needed to take a break.
I'm off the liquor
You're forefathers are ashamed of you. They didn't struggle to make it to America so that you could become a soft dick
Currently behind the bar at some asian place, pouring drinks for everyone with a snake around my neck
So do you want to hear how I got the hickey first, or how I got the black eye?
So I totally just used margarita salt for a body scrub.
Got super judged by this lady at the Rolling Stones concert last night. Bitch don't look so salty at my dad and I splitting two joints, an edible, and two margaritas. It's the stones.
Downloaded the Pocket Penguin app. There are now penguins living in my phone. Technology is wonderful.
The profile of her ass is just unreal. Weird way to use profile I know, but never more accurate
At least I got steroids and a baguette out of the deal
i found you laying on the floor staring at the ceiling and you kept muttering "why" in various inflections.
I will pay you in sex, beer and popcorn if you will come fold my clothes for me.
Add free use of your panini press and its a deal.
Deal.
Randomize
