You say "arrested with two drunk girls" like it's a bad thing....
nothing as in nothinggggg kills the mood for me is when a girl with 4 cm nipple hair
Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
I just took a bite of a bagel at school and it tasted like weed. If I am high for my test in 2 hours I'm gonna kick someones ass
The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint
If I die I am blaming you for not answering to tell me the proper dosage of horse tranquilizers to take
im eating mac and cheese with a makeup brush. there is wayyyyy too much wrong with this night.
obviously he wasnt ready for this jelly and you can quote me on that
I legitimately thought I was gonna die getting finger banged to ja rule in the back of your car last night.
Awk. Hanging with her while messaging her ex about sex injuries he gave me
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
I mean, don't most people have like a two week grace period where it's okay to ditch new friends?
Found like seven bruises in the shower. One was shaped like a hand. Best. Sex. Ever.
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
Puked up breakfast after doing my first minze shot in a while, but that shot was to Trump losing the election, so it's all good.
Randomize
