honestly, who buys weed with an unemployment check?
you.
oh yeah. preciate
There's this guy beside me dancing with this girl with no panties on. When I looked at him he said he's babysitting his bestfriend's girlfriend since he can't come out.
What a good friend
if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
Don't threaten to terrorize my ass hole unless you have to wherewithal to back it up
Draw a picture of yourself puking and peeing on her and give it to her with a note that sys this could be your future if you be my friend
We got so high we made milksteak
My vagina hasn't been this smooth since I was 8. I better get laid tonight.
My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
You are very nonchalant about the high probability of us having an orgy.
Eh, I'm ok with this, this can work. We're the best kind of the worst people.
how do you ask an olympian for your underwear back?
No like you've drunkenly persistently tried to take your shirt off in the middle of a park filled with children. You had already thrown your bra at my crotch.
Just watched a girl lose her dignity at the corner...it's not even midnight
Kinda suprised you didn't immediately ask about the lesbian ghosts tho
I was actually kind of excited. I mean, how many people can say they've been question by the CIA?
she wants homewrecking advice
are you gonna teach her your ways?
obvs. i'm like her yoda.
Randomize
