i'm eating jello out of a teacup with a fork. awesome?
It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
So I'll spare the details, but I think I discovered I'm lactose intolerant. In my sleep. And you'll be needing new sheets.
I decided that just having that story under my belt and being able to tell it to my grandchildren is worth the regrets of the evening.
Hey I never found my wallet but i did find a bag of 14 soft taco supremes
I have your wallet. Trade you for the tacos.
At least you weren't that one girl in the bar that was letting everyone draw on her in sharpie. Worst decision I've ever witnessed.
It reminded me of the time my mother gave my Bailey's in my stocking when I was 14.
pretty sure that drunk girl we saw climbing the stairs is now DJing this club....
who was wearing the fake mustache? I just found one in my cleavage
Told some chick I'm a virgin, on my way to her house as I type this. Debating crying afterwards to fuck with her head.
Until they make a bed that bathes you in your sleep, I will not be satisfied.
i threw up in his garden in front of like five people smoking a joint. they let me have a hit after i was done so it was okay
Am I under any obligation to let my new fuck buddy know I slept with his little sister?
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
Randomize
