he puts the penis in happiness.
my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
And. No one ejaculated on anyones face. This is all wrong
the 3rd commandment: and god said, if you buy a handle.. you must finish it.
so explain to me why i woke up in jail this morning
because you opened a jar or pickles and a bag of fritos and layed down in the middle of aisle 7 while singing 'la cucaracha'
no more ever clear
he thought he was parachuting out of a plane... talk about a bad trip.
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
the last thing i remember is ordering pitchers of white russians....
If I don't come back from Italy with aids I did somethign wrong
I'm on my way, but at some point we're going to have to settle who gave who crabs the last time
Just saw a cougar do the walk of shame. She asked housekeeping where the fastest elevator was.
He made the moves first, we made out...then we folded his laundry.
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
Come on kid, foreplay is elementary stuff. It's a vagina, not a sphinx.
The abomination is in progress. At least one barista side eyed me and the other has fear in her eyes
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