it was like getting a handjob from mrs. butterworth
It's just like the Real World with babies
turns out they were just sand fleas, not crabs.. thank you random mexican girl from padre who's name i can't pronounce
He kept yelling "osteoporosis" and threw milk at her because she broke her arm.
well when mom kept referring to my "black hole of a vagina" and how i devoured all the nuts at the party like i was a pro, i figured my stay was up.
Look on the bright side. Now you know the number for poison control.
Looks like a significant portion of my drinking money just became legal fees.
Nothing says "we're never gonna bone" like "nice haircut, it makes you look like my cousin"
Sigh. I'll find the right guy one day.
Prince charming is right around the corner and will be freaky as shit!
That seems dangerous to buy acid from a stranger on craigslist
BUT I'M ALSO ONLY IN IT FOR SEX AND HE CAN'T EVEN GET THAT PART RIGHT.LIKE LITERALLY ALL HE HAS TO DO IS DICK ME DOWN AND BE A DECENT HUMAN BEING IS THAT SO HARD TO ASK?!
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
They're giving you narcotics aren't they?
If I offered to share would you come visit me?
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
Dude, I'm sorry if you saw me getting head in my truck last night. My bad.
Randomize
