I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
im sober playing flip cup. its like cheating.
REAL PEOPLE DRINK 3 BEERS ALONE WILL WATCHING THE LIFETIME MOVIE ABOUT PRINCE WILLIAM AND KATE MIDDLETON
Needing to keep one leg on the floor during sex so you dont spin should qualify for some kind of drunk award.
I hate to stick you with the friend but I did all the work.
! asked the random counter guy from 7/11 for Percocet. he immediately called his hookup
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
She deliberately backed into the homewrecker's whoremobile and yelled ""FOR SPARTA!"
Yes. I am out of condoms. I kept filling them with glow paint and playing with them when I was on mushrooms, which resulted in me having unprotected sex last weekend
He's so in love with you that you could fuck a blood relative and he'd be like "I just want you to be happy"
I'm craving your dick and a microwave pizza
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
Tequila should only be paired with the finest of dick
so we’ve decided to fuck for our own health
Theres a free llama on craigslist. Are you in or are you in?
Randomize
