Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
I think Memorial Day also marks the beginning of "Bikini Profile Picture" season.
Home remedy for the herp. Black tea. I need to strap teabags to my wang.
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
I owe you 20 bucks. My blood work did show liver damage.
i just declared my major based on how close the department building was to our apartment. laziness has been brought to a new level
I have the perfect view of a sexy blonde in yoga pants stretching from the shoulder press machine. I'll be here all night. So glad I came high.
Ur here with me in spirit. Now run free. Run free
I won't apologize to a one balled man
I still have way too many Frat houses to get blackout drunk at before I'm get in any type of relationship
he busted into the room with single cheese slices and started yelling "THROW SOME CHEESE ON THAT BITCH"
Using the random money I found in my bra from Halloween to pay to print my bio notes. I only brought a debit to the bar. College win.
Just got kicked out of two hot tubs. We were naked the second time. So awkward getting out in front of the security guard.
I have experienced an excessively hairy ballsack in my mouth...and it was horrifying. I keep feeling it in my mouth now. It's like hairy ball PTSD.
I cant miss out on a half day of work without a booty call
Randomize
