id tell you what to do, but my morals dont exactly scream, "Listen to this guy!"
we're taking shots every time my dog licks his penis. we're on number 8 now.
you should have been aborted.
just landed in detroit. Currently holding a bag of my own vomit. neighbor told me it was the most graceful vom she has ever seen. Kicking off bar exam week in style.
Thank you, bloody toiletpaper I found in the hamper. I was worried that today was going to be boring.
Now there are two cop cars. If I go to jail I just would like to thank you for making me wear boxers.
she's a dental assistant. she can get nitrous. kinda looks like a sloppy bucket of fuck. time to take one for the team. NEED SHOTS STAT!!
Either I'm still drunk or the right side of the bed is now the left side.
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
These cutoffs are too tight but my ass looks like Freedom
I just had to go dumpster diving, at 3am, in the rain, because I realized that I somehow threw away the brand new package of birth control pills I picked up from the pharmacy this afternoon. So I'm sort of a responsible adult.
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
I think after tonight I'm 85% lesbian
Got so drunk last night I kinda sent a super on point sext to his kid sister...say a prayer man
I just pulled back the shower curtain to reveal Cinnamon Toast Crunch and a spoon in the bathtub. Ambien is a hell of a drug.
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
Randomize
