I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
She kept saying I was her favorite Jonas brother, and for some reason, I was ok with that.
"Tuesday" and "open-bar" shouldn't be used in the same sentence.
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
MY DOG FOUND A BAG OF COKE ON THE SIDE OF THE ROAD!!!!!!!!!!!
AND ITS GOOD STUFF TOO!!!!!! AHHH!!!!!!
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
just got home. some guy on my porch is tryin to show me his balls. no more parties at my apartment.
Dude he was a used car salesman for his friends' penises. I know I have something here that's right for you!
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
Drive by water balloon fight on $500,000 boats ended when someone threw a dildo
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
She said, I've heard about you, from girls you wouldn't even be interested in. What?
New Serial podcast is out. We can listen to it tonight instead of having sex.
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
Wanna get drunk and make some bad decisions?
Are you calling me a bad decision?
Randomize
