I just got a ticket for shitting on a sand dune.
My gyno actually laughed when I told her about his penis size.
you have to choose: penises or morals?
Is it bad that I was more upset about not getting the perfume he told me he had bought for me then the actual breakup?
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
Absence makes the cock grow harder.
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
I really wanna know when trying to grow up turned into try not to throw up.
Taco Bell. She just parked, got out of the car mid drive-thru, ran to the dumpsters, pissed, then ran back and drove up in the line.
PLEASE DON'T BE HEARTLESS COME AND GET ME FROM THE BAR I'M HIGH AS SHIT AND I LOST MY SHOES
Well I think I made it pretty obvious I wasn't in to it. I was drinking a beer while he was going down in me
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
I'm going to need a Jurassic park sized pooper scooper to deal with all this shit last night caused.
the shoes thing blows my mind idk how the fuck i did that and im also missing 4 of my birth control pills like did i drunkenly decide to overload my body with estrogen
So instead of going to meet her mom, I decided to jump out of her window which was about 1.5 stories off the ground. I'm alright, but I ended up meeting her mom anyway.
Randomize
