I have no morals, kinda like you have no standards
None
I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
Just ate cheeseit crumbs off the floor. i feel like Kirstie Alley.
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
you blew your rape whistle in his face every time he got near a girl till he left the party...
Now one day I will be able to tell my children how a drag queen in a gay bar told mommy that bin laden was dead
Finals week has gone away, doo dah doo dah, drink martinis naked day oh da doo dah day
I am dressed. And we didn't do anything. He's gorgeous and tall tho. Something nice to look at when I'm hungover
His IQ level must rival that of a comatosed aardvark.
Gold rum. Strong marijuana. Jabba the Hut in stilettos. Deep thigh bruise. Yes, thal all happened. Sorry dude.
Dude. That Grinch had his priorities right when he was worried that there might be a cash bar at that town celebration.
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
It's scary that my vibrator is a dangerous weapon. I want a new one.
I thought the dude was just really enjoying his piss but apparently he was jerkin off into the urinal.
Randomize
