I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
What should i be more turned off about... his massive collection of condoms or that he asked me to sign my name by number 68 on the list posted on his wall?
I think the two go hand in hand.
I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just had to give myself a pep talk to stop lying on my floor. Literally too hung over to function
There's a stripper banging on the door demanding to see you.
Aj and I already plan to tape our thumbs to our palms so we know how it feels to be a t-rex.
Seriously. My vagina. Can we talk about it? It's gonna jump off this treadmill and devour my trainer.
Great way to live...just blowing loads on upholstery
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Looks like a took a video of myself beating off and passed out last night. I'm classy.
How bad would it be if I wore out the dress we got peed on in. You're the only one who knows.
It's hot as dicks out. Lets get drunk on the roof and make pterodactyl sounds at people.
Specially since he wanted to forget that we even touched, which makes it funnier because I don't think you can take back licking someone's butthole...
If he wants a future he'd best figure out the calendar function on his phone. If he can invite you to his penis he can invite you to his google cal.
I would have wore underwear last night if I knew I had to change a tire this morning
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