god please explain to me why there's blood underneath my fingernails AND toenails?!?!
Dude To be completely honest I don't think you want me to.
the snow is so cold on my vagina.
why do you have snow on your vagina?
vodka and heels.
fine. I googled it. you have to eat 5 to die so apparently I'm in the clear.
I think its only fitting my first purchase with my student loan is a glass pipe? I think ill name it 'Subsidized'
i'm sitting in the second floor bathroom drinking coronas in the shower. do not find me.
the night got glorious when you tried to do an upside down keg stand with a near empty key and dropped it on your face
After we fucked he shhhh'd me and said your welcome
Tried to dry my shoes in the oven last night.
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
Little boy scout stared at me with judgmental looks while I bought 3 bottles of liquor but refused to buy popcorn from him
Rule number one to being a good adult: don't use your vagina as an icebreaker. Just some wisdom I thought I'd pass down from experience.
After seeing all of the pics during the trial, all I could think was "her vagina doesn't look THAT dangerous"
I'm watching the Brazzers version of Mary Poppins and enjoying it. Volume on and all. 45 minutes.
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
Bad news man, we're gonna have to reschedule Golden Coral: The Musical
I don't know who the fuck this is, but right on man
Randomize
