Going to bed naked. Too bad I am all alone. Need to make some changes. Either sleep with clothes or with you
Im starting to think including a smiley face in texts may or may not be a code for 'lets have sex'
Im going to research this theory. . .
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
I think I would be able to remember how to smoke but I can't seem to remember how to breathe.
Ya know, in a round about way coinstar is just a glorified vending machine for all my bad choices.
Sitting in a bubble bath with my bong, how's your morning?
Needless to say they were not happy to find out that we braided their hair together, when one of them woke up needing to puke bad
Was just told that I was slipped 2 hits of acid in my in flight drink before takeoff. 8 hours to Germany wish me luck
Went home drunk last night and peed on my Christmas tree, my mothers going to fucking kill me
Almost threw up on my grandmother as she walked in the house. Had to run to the bathroom and vomit my brains out. Prolly getting taken out of the Will now.
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
When he pulled it out last night I asked if that was as hard as it was going to get. I think I may have offended him.
Lesbians had sex in my bed last night. It's a thing of pride
wtf guys I thought we agreed on no more knives. So much for not destroying the house
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
Randomize
