Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
We agreed on being friends w/ benefits. Lets see if that really happens.
Ok, so that was not supposed to go to u, my bad. I feel horrible.
its whatevr the fuvk you could ever want is wht it is. i dont wanna read. literacy? overated in my opinion. overated.
All I remember from last night is puking up a box of cheeze-its and the building catching on fire.
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
i got really high and listened to the spongebob squarepants theme song and, i swear to god, it was in german.
It never fails.. every time I have a dick in my mouth he calls me.
did you seriously make the punch out of vodka and food coloring
Tell them you aren't trying to make money, you are just the mr rogers of weed,its such a good feeling a very good feeling the feeling you know that were friends
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
I think I'm just gonna be a cat and wear slutty black clothes with some eyeliner on my face and pretend my ears got stolen by a drunk guy
Probably not well advised, but you're welcome to stop by if your not ready to end your night. You know, for Thanksgiving's sake.
Ok well i was gonna say you can only borrow my fog machine if you will use it to emerge from your room in a cloud of smoke after having sex with sarah, so yeah we're good
The Wolf of Wall Street “I ain’t fuckin’ leaving!” speech when the cops broke up your party though...
He in a way got kinda cockblocked by Jesus
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