Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
you know how you have to have just the right ratio of chips to sandwich? same goes for pubes.
if by 'bottleservice' you mean 'bringing beers in my purse' then yes, we are.
So for Valentine's Day...I finally swallowed. I feel like I earned that steak.
I worked with a girl tonight that recognized me solely from a keg stand she witnessed me do sophmore year. Needless to say this made my night
That's like rubbing a penis in my face and not giving it to me.
hey did i steal that bike before or after the ball dropped, casue i might have broken my resolution already
This weekend is gunna be a fucking shitshow. I don't even wanna know how many dicks will end up inside of me
I didn't plan on sleeping with him until he told me his mom is deaf.. Then I felt bad.
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
Kid sitting next to me smells like he slept in a dutch oven full of farts. Going to die.
it was like vegas minus all of the penis and death threats
I drunkenly took 3 laxatives last night since I felt fat.... this is going to be a rough morning
Just once, I'd like to make it to my first wedding anniversary for a change.
Randomize
