6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
She's never had brie before last night, don't know if I can date a girl that doesn't like soft cheeses.
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
Have you resumed life with the rest of the world yet or are you still huddled in the fetal position while wearing compression gear?
Let's not refer to him as Dustin. That makes him seek like a real person, not just a dick I would like to experience.
looking at my texts from you makes me want to throw up in my pants
She lost her glasses and we found them on the roof. Don't ask questions. Kings cup was intense last night.
And think got sick again from going outside naked. Word to all females...don't try the naked trench coat thing.
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
The only way he could ever pleasure me is if he lit himself on fire and let me watch
He sent me a dick pic from work, but I could see all the pizzas in the background. Now I'm just hungry.
Single lady's Saturday night: eat doritos, masturbate, eat more doritos. Do shot of Jager. Repeat until desired result is achieved.
the only thing she has in her apt so far is toilet paper and shot glasses. you can see where the priorities lie.
In other news, I just sneezed and almost shit myself. What is happening to my life??
I just put my eye make up on in the bathroom of the bar.... I may be too comfortable here....
Randomize
