I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha
you sent me the whole alphabet, one letter a text. it took 15 minutes to read them all
epic walk of shame this morning involving 2 subway transfers. I need to start sexing locally.
I'm gonna have bed sores at the end of this hangover.
Disgusting. If I saw her naked my dick would pack up his balls and leave.
i almost hope i AM knocked up so i can ruin the rest of his life
I feel like the only solution to this is to get naked and lay in the shower for a hour then see what my penis wants to do.
I had to drink heavily last night because I needed to forget that you told me you want to blow my dad.
Was just told that I was slipped 2 hits of acid in my in flight drink before takeoff. 8 hours to Germany wish me luck
I wish I could like. Pull my liver out, and put it in the corner of a boxing ring, put a towel and ice on it, rub it's shoulders, and tell it to "get back in there, you got this!".
You need to come back and help me drink our beer so the fridge has room for the other beers
I just pictured my inhibition personified as little pink piggies with wings flying off into the great wide nowhere hahaha
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
You ate my ass why wouldn't I remember you
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
Randomize
