I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
they had a keg party to fund her abortion.
just because she blew him doesn't mean she knows his name.
It's true- you can buy beer at McDonald's in France. I'm not coming back to the States.
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I'm just pissed at the whore who takes over my body when I'm blacked out.
Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
I woke up on your bathroom floor, i used your towel I found laying on the floor as a cape to get to your bed. I thought it would help me walk straight if I looked like a superhero
Can you explain to me why there are fake boobs glued on my chest?
You blacked out at 9:30 and insisted on sleeping in the hallway after you chugged an entire pitcher of beer. I guess the Jell-O shots were stronger than we thought...
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Caprisun cuts tequila surprisingly well...
Well, that's not my fault. I make decisions all the time when I'm drunk.
Your bf is wearing nothing but a cape, I mean absolutely NOTHING but a cape. I know you said he looks like Thor but this is getting a bit ridiculous.
Freshly fucked must agree with my hair cause I've gotten compliments on it this afternoon
Dude I'm drinking alone and watching cartoons. How is it that someone as hot as me is doing this.
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
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