Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
let's get a trip to cabo together for next spring... they have to have forgotten about me by now
My near death experience also doubled as my coming out story
they all just nodded
I was carrying him baywatch style into my place because he passed out.
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He just kept screaming "I have democratic immunity" as the cops dragged him into the car.
This is the point in ur life where u should realize there's nothing left but a spiral of shame
I should but I don't. All I see is an escalator of success
I bought an american flag today and by god im gonna fuck someone on it
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Pray for me. I just had a sex dream about Debbie Wasserman-Schultz.
I'm too depressed to masturbate. This election is the worst.
That's when I realized I was probably naked in the wrong bed
I woke up this morning to find myself laying in a beer puddle with "I'm sorry" written on the shaft of my dick and Nicole was nowhere to be found. Gotta love her
I'd rather explain to the cops why I'm naked than why I'm drunk.
u ever get horny for food. i ordered a bunch of crepes and its doin it 4 me
Randomize