Should I tell Kevin that my finger was in his sister's ass last night?
Bought a water-proof vibrator. Rubber ducky is no longer the one that makes bathtime so much fun.
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
Never again will we have slut saturday. Never.
Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
I just took a shower and I feel like 20 pounds of sex just came off of me.
I think he just made me trade sex for my cat.
When I was with you my penis felt like a fat woman crammed into a pair of lulu lemons
i like feelif swiord YOU ARE A GOD
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
Celebrating landing my dream job by watching zombie movies and drinking free booze in the bath. I'm like 90% sure I just won life.
Pretty sure my idea of standards went out the window when I hooked up with a guy who had a rooster tattoo with an arrow pointing down to his no no bits. Think about it.
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
I don't know what to do about my nipple.
I'm doing my accounting homework with my vibrator. Guess whose numbers are balanced on the financial statement? This ladys!
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