i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
You should have seen k-money last night. She was just hanging on to the toilet for half the night. By her fourth trip to puke, she started talking to it and was doing the voices for her and it. She kept saying "...we thank you for your continued business..." haha
isnt it creepy that our bodies make people
i decided not to call her again when she started singing "goodbye my lover" as i was walking out the door..
today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
Lets start the night off early. Those Coronas arent going to throw themselves up.
I am watching the CFL at a Hooters in Texarakana. I made a poor life choice at some point that led me here.
Were not alcoholics, were just impatient for fridays
I feel like if Miami and New Jersey fucked each other and produced a baby that would summarize the bar I'm in.
I was just laying in bed wondering if there's more important things in life than cheese stuffed pretzels.
I'm not sure drinking my way through west nile virus is the best idea. Oh well, already committed to that plan.
We are magical, pot smoking, smart as hell, single as fuck, woodland dolphins.
I just want to eat and sleep til I'm dead. I should've been born a cat.
Have you ever just woke up in the morning and felt pregnant
You humped everything and cried in an uber.
Randomize
