this beer tastes like vomit already
Nope changed our mind. Decided your strange bacon like body odor wasn't what we want to smell tonight.
i just ate two sandwiches and am debating booty calling my landlord
We got drunk before dinner. People at the other tables were praying for us.
As im putting my laundry in the machine, i find a solo cup and a pong ball that i signed babe ruth
He;s fine. He just kept saying "hurricane Gordon is coming to shore" and flexed his muscles a lot.
Drunk roommate walked in on us and asked if we wanted to go eat a sandwich with her in the bathroom.
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
you called me at 4 in the morning and invited me over for pasta and a late night viewing of titanic.
i made sure not to drool on your bed by putting my hoodie on backwards and swaddling my face in the hood
Did you really get up in the middle of a tattoo to go get Taco Bell?
I'm coming right back.
I stopped his blowjob to raise 3 fingers & whistle the hunger games tune to the people walking past the window
It was crazy man, at one point after already going 3 rounds I tried to breakaway for a smoke...she yanked me by the nipple hair back on top of her.
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
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