I don't know where I am but the food in the fridge is awesome.
I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
you want my honest opinion? I'm sure refering to her vagina as the "bat cave" was your first mistake.
our cab driver is having phone sex.
Jeremys mom is here. I gave her mad jello shots and now were griding. ima give it to her: ultimate payback for him fucking my gf.
I'm sorry I tried putting my balls in your cup holder.
Last time I get high to write a paper the night before it's due. "Tiny Wings and sexuality" is not an acceptable topic to for a paper. Class in 30 minutes. I'm fucked...
remember our old mantra: why can't life be as easy as we are?
I don't send those kind of pictures unless the recipient has already been up close and personal with it. I don't give previews, but I will provide recaps.
Did we seriously steal a wet floor sign from McDonald's then get chased down by a homeless man for it? Never drinking again.
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
By the way I can not feel my vagina. It's like it's asleep. What the hell did you do?
I'M NOT EVEN STOPPING FOR WINE SO I CAN GET TO THAT DICK QUICKER.
fyi my negative pregnancy test is taped to the fridge...i'll take it over an A+ any day. be proud.
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