I am pretty sure the guy in the stall two dwn from me is jerking it...seriously
First thing she said after sex was.. are you baptised by chance?
i'm starting to get pissed at how pandora is trying to force coldplay on me
Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
I think I should become a real estate agent in th friend zone I know the place so well
cracked out the beer snorkel again. that thing has a five for five record of getting me naked.
I woke up with hair in my teeth and half his beard was missing.
It's tough not drinking when the bartender adds rum to your coke without telling you, and doesn't charge you
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
L'Shannah Tovah!
Whats that? My new stripper name?
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
Wife and kids came home early...naked passed out covered in chili cheese Fritos dad will haunt them forever.
SpongeBob is life. I once broke up with a guy bc he said SpongeBob was stupid.
I believe the only reason I am slightly functional right now is the leftover drugs in my nose that I keep sniffing
I think I just sharted jello shots
Randomize
