your horoscope this morning...very interesting...good luck today
woke up and she was making me crepes. definitely not the last time i fuck a culinary student
We almost died tonight..we almost die every night. but tonight was the closest by far
Challenge: Try to have your balls hanging out in every picture you take tonight
Challenge Accepted
I don't mean to complain but you could have done a better job of keeping me alive last night
Someone came into our hotel room and took our remote
What should I do?
Until you can top getting paid to have women tell you to check out their ass, my job will remain better than yours
Drinking hard cider in a room full of freshman girls. Never felt so secure of my manhood
I probably wouldn't
And the view of you in reverse cowgirl is arguably the most spectacular view ever... And I've seen the Eiffle tower, the colosseum, mountains of Hawaii, Michaelangelo's David, and the Mona Goddamn Lisa. Just saying.
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
Just threw up mid-poop. I can't drink like I used to.
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
Oh and it’s been a year according to my snap chat memories since I banged your cousin in your sons truck pulled over on Elm St! 😂😂😂😬😳😇
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
i can feel my liver failing just LOOKING at that thing
Randomize
