And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.
Pretty sure I went to the bar in my bathing suit, sweat pants, and high heels.
Road trip to buy me a baby zebra..are you in or are you in?
What the fuck could you be doing in that room to make her yell "Beginners Luck!" over and over again?
I found your Halloween costume. I think you shit yourself last night
my dad is now demonstrating how to start a fire with a tampon. happy fucking new year!
OH FOR FUCKS SAKE! SOMEONE TOOK ME FOR A GODDAMN PROSTITUTE!! IM WEARING LEG WARMERS!!! THAT IS LIKE THE LEAST HOOKERISH THING TO WEAR!
apparently my new 420 ritual is to look at the clock at 4:20 and realize i'm already too high
Dude when the cops came you ran through the fence. Fucking THROUGH it. You're a master ditcher.
First thing that comes on in the morning is kanye's I can't hold my liquor. yeezus lives.
You know that voice that tells you to do something spontaneous after 1am? Don't listen to it.
She said if you lived here it would be like the x rated version of 3's company
I’m making a jello mold of my penis
Will it be as disappointing as your actual penis?
Randomize
