Why do I feel like I used to feel when I almost got caught looking at porn when I get caught looking at facebook at work
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
Now I'm watching The History of Sex on the History Channel. They're talking about how repressed the 30s were. I think I understand why grandma is such an angry person.
He needs to realize that there's a big difference between "I love you" and "I love your dick"
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She was a little hefty, so I turned on the strobe light in our room. Everything looks better with a strobe light.
plus there's no nice way to tell a guy you physically hate the shape of their cock.
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
I have a rash on my arm from the cat litter. Think the cat will be mad that I peed in its box?
Glow Paint looked great for the Black Light Party last night, Tonight having a glow in the dark Pizza on my arm, not so much.
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Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
We had a moment of silence for all of the orgasms he gave me with his beard before he shaved it off.
The first thing I did when I got to the apartment was masturbate on the couch
You're going to find someone that you love very much and that loves you, and then you're gonna find an additional person that you literally can't stop staring at from across the room. I feel very confidently about that
You're only young once, and once you get old, you either regret all the sex you had, or you regret not having enough.
suburban family judging/laughing at us after Jenna just pulled two flasks out of her boot on the subway
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