I just puked in my fish tank. Helloooooo summer.
Just ducktaped my beer to my bike. See you in ten.
Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
He got about halfway through singing "Drift Away" before he passed out and broke my coffee table.
You were pretty dunk by the time you introduced the vase as your best friend.
This is the first time I have ever hoped it's poison ivy on my cock
Just wrestled a cop. He won my shorts. I won my freedom. In fishnets and army boots. still headed to the party. would appreciate pants, but not necessary.
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
I just gave myself a sponge bath with your sock. I hope you don't mind.
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
And I mean really who loses their phone in a tree
Who told you he won a fight? He slammed his face into the ground while trying to do 11 push-ups
Just sold my panties for 40 bucks to some rando dude at the gay bar. I think I found a way to fund next years spring break trip. Hello cancun!
Just do what I do and listen to your vagina. She’ll growl when she smells good dick
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