The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
he texted me telling him i gave him the clap. but i think he gave it to me and i gave it back to him
threw up during christmas carols. the audience at the church seemed to immediately know i was a college student
She's a freak. I've got the scars to prove it.
You left a trail of sequins from your dress incase we got lost
There is nothing scarier than watching yourself breathe in the mirror while on shrooms.
that's right. bitches got laser pointers. let's fuck shit up
And the next morning he asked me why I had clothes on so I said so that he could take them off again.
if i dont text back till morning its cause i turned my phone off and changed my password to something i wont remember to stop myself from drunk texting...RESPONSIBILITY
I apologize that you just fell victim to my random thought of how to make a blow job come to life via emojis.
You went to pound town last night and chow town this morning. Boy you need a passport.
All i remember is looking at the bottle vodka that I was drinking and wondering how it was suddenly empty.
That may have had to do with you chugging it
I have a bag of frozen peas on my vagina. If you want to talk about real problems.
My shower turned into a bath, turned into me lying on the shower floor with the water running over me... That hung over..
I sharted in court today and had to sit on it for about three and a half hours.
Randomize
