She just sent me a picture of a heart. I need to stop fucking freshman...
did you seriously just ask me if there is such thing as a sophisticated batman shirt?
I thought all girls wanted is to get a boner
you want to re-phrase that?
and he thought i came like four times in 2 mins. my leg just kept cramping up
watching law and order svu marathons. all of the sex crimes cases start like my sat night.
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
Even my psychiatrist thinks I should fuck the married guy.
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
It's like you're a magic genie of bad timing
Just ran into her dad at the strip club. He bought me a dance. I think i found a winner.
Am I not being subtle enough by giving him a rainbow striped bong, during PRIDE MONTH?
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
Sorry I blacked out in bed
it was real late and you were brushing your teeth with miller light. it was bound to happen.
This is the third time this month a guy I’m not dating has dumped me. How is this even possible???
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