Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
I managed to fit my wallet, my keys, my phone, Tammy's necklace, and $38.50 all in my bra. and $1.50 is in quarters. go me.
It's also dangerous to ride a bike down the stairs after a few beers, but I've done it.
You shouldn't do laundry high cus pink.
Honestly I'm so excited to go to bed I feel as if I don't deserve to be in my early twenties.
Circle jerk is a real thing. It looks like five innocent virgins in a closet at my brother's bar mitzvah. Yeah, I walked in on that.
I wish more of my problems were easily solvable by taking a good long shit.
By NOT going to the gym, I'm helping my future. I don't want stripping, prostitution, or porn to be viable money making options.
You have the perkiest tits in all of North America. You're fine.
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
i got a dick pic last night and the mother fucker had a Jesus picture in the background.
It was just another case of she fell in love I fell asleep.
Randomize
