there is a dude in the bar with no arms getting fed beers by his friends
We found her on the trampoline. She told us she was jumping so she could puke & rally. I think I want to marry her.
I'm spoon feeding myself tequila for breakfast, should we skip class today?
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
I felt so bad but my urge to be with you & drunkenly eat your face was apparently much stronger.
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
Nope, had to pee on the side got violated by tall grass. Then someone came around the corner and I had to stop mid pee to dive into the car.. Pants down
I seriously doubt I'm gonna be able to properly put your dick in my mouth whilst upside down, but I'm willing to give it my best shot
Your brother just walked into my room, pissed drunk and butt naked, got into my bed and fell asleep. In knowing I am gay, you have one hour to deal with him before I do
The dude is a cop how would I ever date a cop I wouldn't be able to talk about the first TWENTY-SEVEN years of my life!
SPICY FOODS AND BLOWJOBS DON'T MIX.
YOU SAID YOU'D TRY ANYTHING ONCE YOU LIAR
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
Don't do him, he's a Dolphins fan! A FUCKING DOLPHINS FAN!
and then she sorta stared at me like "holy shit" and I looked down and my dog was licking her ass
Ruff night.
Omfg I just White Claw shamed a Girl Scout Cookie mom and I feel SO BAD.
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