I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
Wow, this guy is harder to get rid of than gum in pubic hair
Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
I just realized last night I drunk-bought a flight to Florida for this weekend...kinda torn between the price and the potential of awesomeness
In a min. With a stripper at the hospital. Business. Not pleasure.
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
I've slipped into the part of my life where I am not having sex to get Phils tickets from this chick. I need to seriously rethink my life decisions
Once again I am on the toilet and refuse to get up
What a great time to reflect on life
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
They should incorporate dolphins into professional surfing
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
It threw me off a little. I had to take a moment and ask myself, "Is he really fingering me in his mom's kitchen while I eat a whopper?"
Thus began an intricate shell game of nude cardigan photos
It's official. My little brother has had more sex in my car than I have. I'm still tied with my little sister. I hate everybody.
Randomize
