dude i was like still drunk, taking pictures of her while she was naked and asleep and she woke up
haha what'd she say
i don't know man, something about us dating. but i never talked to her sober so i said i was making breakfast and snuck out of her house. close calls man WTF
o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
If only Ben were 51% gay instead of 49%
Don't tits with veins remind you of road maps?
I can't believe all I ate yesterday was half a turkey sandwich and 20 finger licks of exctasy.
They make twin pack pregnancy tests for girls like us
Middle of vacation, he walked into an audition for a Broadway musical in a drunken stupor. I think he got the part.
I have got to stop taking so many uppers and downers simultaneously. My life is a Dali painting.
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
Stop studying come to the bar get drunk and help me figure out how to get home pretend there are commas in there someplace
Wait. We seriously played strip beer pong at the bar last night. Who said I never came up with good ideas
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
he told me that I'm basically going to be the mom of the house when they move in...i like to see it as being a MILF without the responsibility of real children
Right. He was like "I'll be here all night if I have to..." I was like "Well then, I'll have to call the cops..."
She climbed in my window blew me and left. She's in my phone as the blow job fairy
Randomize
