Do you like marathons because that's how long I plan on fucking you.
i just walked by a road side game of beer pong? it's gonna be a long day
Word to the wise: learn how to ask "What is my bail posted as" in French before traveling abroad.
Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
someone needs to get her out of the garbage can shes never gonna forgive us for this
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
I've been smoking weed using candles all week and I just found a lighter. This may truly be the happiest moment of my life. It's embarrassing how excited I got
If she "comes out" to me I guess I'll high five her. That's pretty much my response to everything these days.
I just remembered I did the whole byebyebye dance at the bar
Why does 2015 have to start with so many regrets?
When I got home he was in his underpants on the couch, eating pop tarts and crying while watching Voltron.
I was so drunk, he put me to bed and went down stairs to hang out with his friends. Apparently, I was curled up in the closet, spooning the dresser when he came back up.
Sorry about you walking in on the whole nude kinect dancing. The new roomie was drunk and naked and told us he was either over dressed or we were under dressed for the party. And Amy figured it would be easier to join him than it would be to dress him
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
Randomize
