i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
quit re-tweeting John McCain's tweets
Thats about the time I should have known you would run around naked and try to make out with my sleeping mother
Tomorrow will not be complet unless someone eats me out. Just sayin
this is not okay. even my mom refers to me as a sorostitute.
you do realize that we pretended we were worms for like 10 minutes and inched around on the ground, don't you?
I'm wearing the jeans from casino night. Tell me why I have a napkin in my pocket that says 'dont fear me'? I'm hoping it was just a coincidence.
Tequila me may have very bluntly told him that I wanted to touch his abs.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET MY FUCKING CUPCAKES WHEN THE GROUNDSWORKER I HOOKED UP WITH IS LOITERING IN THE VENDING AREA
We ended up at an Asian frat. I made out with two Mexicans at the same time and I pulled a muscle in my leg from twerking too low. Diversity.
Everyone here is taking crazy amounts of mescaline and I'm just over here like hey have you tried the pretzel rolls mmm
you slapped the bag of goldfish out of her hands and screamed, "BITCH THIS AINT NO AQUARIUM". That's how fucked up
Remind me to tell you: When threeways go awry, my MLK weekend story.
I vaguely remember ordering a water at some point last night. It's good to know drunk me can still be responsible.
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
Randomize
