I might be drunk enough to make out with you. You don't want to miss this unique opportunity.
so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
walk of shame with early morning football tailgaters. niice.
we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
Aren't you glad we're at the point in our relationship where I don't even ask why you're hiding in the cabinet?
The fact that I woke up with my panties on the counter and a piece of pizza stuck in my sheets is what scares me.
Drunk walkin through police station. America
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
I could seriously attempt to try and saw my head in half with a butter knife cause im pretty sure it could not hurt any more than it already does
Survival tip #3: while you're hooking up with him, don't say he reminds you of his brother
Yes, let me tell you about the time I was forcibly locked in a bathroom when my ex-girlfriend was having a bad shroom trip.
I feel like you're gonna be reading this at 6 AM in a ditch or under a bridge, but please remember...I offered to drive you home. And you said no.
The sad thing is that it's 6:45 and you're not far off.
I opened the door and his girlfriend was standing there; we made silent, prolonged eye contact as I quietly put on my panties and left.
I feel like I had a successful night. I flashed the guy at the liquor store last night for 2 free tshirts and a giant redbull.
My penis is lonely
So is my ring finger
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