I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
You've got more to offer than just money. Come on. You have an awesome rack.
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
What can I say, I'm a giver.
Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
I go to a class slightly intoxicated and they bring in a baby. What a life.
we should probably just go check in at the police station right now
My clothes are covered in blood and I feel like I drank a gallon of elephant cum...it's safe to say I'm hungover
I'm calling it the Friendlationship with Benefits Zone.
begin the sex magic rocket ship countdown
Been in bed for 16 hours. Haven't eaten in 18 hours. Haven't pissed in almost 20 hours. Fuck you Stacey and your former reign as laziest bitch. I got the title now.
She's currently doing somersaults across the kitchen floor without underwear on. We may not make it to the bar.
Just used the word fistfucking in a serious conversation with my professor in front of the class, while making an appropriate and valid point. Win.
How are you and the lady friend?
Well, she's a lunatic, and I love sex, so we're good.
So. My mom went grocery shopping for me while I was at work & brought the food here. Cool bc my dildo was laying on the counter. Forgot I left it out. I am sure she saw. Im mortified.
Randomize
