I dint menn to makr ut w brtendr
Wat???
U lft me at bar, no cassh for cab, may have slept with bartender
First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
I HATE DRINKING WITH JUST GIRLS, ITS 1030 THEYRE ALL HAMMERED AND TALKING ABOUT HOW AWESOME THEIR SHOES ARE!!!!!!!
You do realize that you tried to eat the neighbors cat because the dominos guy was 5 minutes late. You would have succeeded if we didnt stop you.
I have a cut on my head from a tambourine.
Remember the 3 things that are off limits? They're fair game if you get here in the next 5 minutes
He told me that before I went to bed I needed to do my stretches and then processed to demonstrate a squat thrust, while completely naked.
First stoner thought of the day: Life would be so much better if there were more things that were biscuits and gravy flavored.
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
Check your mailbox. I left a "sorry I didn't have time to suck your dick today" consolation gift.
It is 5:00PM and I'm just now putting on underwear.
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
I just don't understand why we can't have sex in the house. I'll come see you but I'll have to think about the barn thing.
we found her on the beach half naked talking to a palm tree
Which half?
Randomize
