What kind of poor, pathetic town do we live in where a horny teenage girl is sitting in her basement on a saturday night, unlaid?
I told her at least we still had each other. That's when she started crying.
Its like I was sleeping with a kid. His gum fell into my hair while sleeping and he just wanted to cuddle.
I don't have the urge to be a home-wrecker with these two. I think I've grown, don't you?
We uncovered another pile of vomit after you left. And i am not talking about the one in the vase
I think I will be cutting those pills in half...Jesus just tried to sell me a toothbrush.
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
Is that a tongue signal to get over there? That's how my two heads are taking it.
Nothing motivates a person to clean their apartment like puking up cheese ravioli beer-tequila chicken wings for eight hours.
The guy had great intentions when throwing us free beer off the balcony... but of course I was the one to get hit in the face because that's the kind of luck I have
All I remember is laying in that secret hideaway closet, naked, with a beer cowboy hat on and you walking in and sitting down crying because no one would have sex with you
She called and said her prescription was refilled. I guess we are dating again.
We just stood outside and debated the existence of mermaids for about 20 min. Is this what too drunk is?
Ben Franklin would totally be a furry.
You're smoking weed and checking Tumblr I take it?
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
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