During sex he started singing that song in Forgetting Sarah Marshall--"Inside of You"--by Russell Brand
I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
Her boyfriend only talks to me because I know her period schedule
Dude, you walked in on me 5 times each times you had a different person with you. And each time you lifted the covers up and said 'whats going on in here'
i just won "most creative" category in the condom contest in human sexuality by licking it onto a cucumber. my feedback forms included three phone numbers, one with a Magnum XL taped to it
Had to. She was getting married in 2 days & her vag was having a close out sale. You know I love a good bargain.
what kind of one night stand wants to walk you home in the morning? whole diff kind of walk of shame.
You are a finance major, can I use my 529 account for your bail?
Also this freshmen guy is talking about his gag reflex and no one is making blowjob jokes. I have no faith in the next generation.
Happy you have kids and I don't day!
You poured your drink on him and called him a "useless cocksucker" because he wouldn't give you a ride home... on his skateboard
You know you've made it in life when the people in the next stall are cheering on your orgasm
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
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