stupid gm bankruptcy made me miss the showcase showdown
Those cock suckers. We need to know who's winning the hot tub and the vacation to the alps
I will make out with the first guy who tries to pick me up with a lyric from a rap song. I won't even reply, just be on him like whoa.
Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
Drunk me forgot I'm not an 18yr old raver anymore. Adult me is now in pain.
And don't try to lose a condom in me tonight. My vagina is not a storage compartment where you can just leave something and try and use it again later in the week.
Why is it so hot and why are these the only pants in my life.
I just took the soggiest of beer shits and all i have to eat is shredded cheese and more beer. I need an adult.
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
god it feels good to gold a bottle of opiates again.
I think that typo was actually more appropriate than what you intended.
Roommate is hosting a 'sorority retreat' at our house. If you need to get laid, stumble on over.
I traded my pants for a Santa hat last night and it was so worth it.
Let's put it this way. Mom is bringing me a new shirt and I smell like lube.
I'll give you a blowjob in a Santa hat if it will put you in the Christmas spirit
I'm so horny right now but I JUST put my fuckin lasagna in the oven
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
Randomize
