just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
yeah after seeing those pics of her puking into my underwear drawer i remembered again why i didn't want to invite her.
you didn't check your sock drawer yet did you
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
Alone. In an inflatable pool. Drinking vodka and raspberry lemonade. I don't need approval as much as I need to know you love me still.
I want to see you in more than a weed delivering capacity
not saying it was a bad idea to throw an impromptu party but someone stole the microwave
Nothing says "I mean business" like using a cart at the liquor store.
She once gave me sex advice over the phone while intoxicated. So no you don't have the cooler therapist.
he kept telling me how much his girlfriend would love me while we were making. why does tequila always do this to me?
I just saw a fat girl roll down the steps taking out three people with her, thought you should know.....
I've never been this drunk around this many toddlers
I thought I'd never say this, but if I had to choose between these cookies and sex, it would be these cookies
He said we were going to get fucked up in the woods so here we are
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
Only you could get too drunk for taco bell. I don't know if I'm jealous or ashamed. Go to bed.
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