i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
So then I sent a pic msg of the Magnum XL box to her friend
I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
He came in asked for the bathroom and came out 10 minutes later dripping wet took his redbull and left.
just bought 2000 rhinestones and a heart shaped stencil at Micheals...I think the cashier knows i'm Vajazzling
She said her hobbies include bangin guys on one night stands and then sending them facebook relationship requests the next morning just to freak em out
We're playing fucking games. GAMES. THIS IS BULL SHIT. IM GOING TO THROW UP ON THE BABIES AND LEAVE.
I just woke up from quarter beer tuesdays wearing 3 pairs of underwear, none of which are the ones I left wearing...2 Around my waist and one around my shoulder in an attempt at a bra. At least drunk me tries to be decent?
She told me she's into girls now. I told her there would be a full bottle of jäger and an empty bed here Friday.
Ordained minister or not I hereby renounce all moral responsibility for any and all related occurrences
Because I know nothing is hotter than ocean themed dick pics on SnapChat...
He kept saying I needed to go to the hospital and it just made me want to call him a pussy so I went to bed
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
SPICY FOODS AND BLOWJOBS DON'T MIX.
YOU SAID YOU'D TRY ANYTHING ONCE YOU LIAR
I cannot believe I am seriously having a conversation about my best friend's sexual prowess as a dream lesbian.
Randomize
