Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
Its mothers day and I have choke marks around my neck. Thanks for that.
You kept telling me to "raw dog" your take home breathalyzer without the mouthpiece
thanks for celebrating my birthday so severely 2 years ago. i just found your hospital discharge papers in my closet.
anything for my little brother.
What's that word that means bigger and smaller and bigger and smaller, again?
Goddamn it, Jaime, it's 4am. Throbbing. The word is throbbing.
Don't worry we will all be making bad decisions soon
That's the most comforting thing I've heard in months
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
I'm trying to ve beat feiesnd sent.
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
We're over by the bouncy castles. I'm the one wearing a baby. Bring Twizzlers.
You walked in wearing nothing but a beekeeper mask
I have got to move on from this "sleeping with every drug dealer I meet" phase.
This is either the best idea i've ever had or the worst. stay tuned.
I'm disappointed in the internet. It's two days and there's still no fanfiction based off that Manning/Beckham commercial.
You don't even like football
You ever fart so hard it made you cum a little? A "friend of mine" wanted to know.
Randomize
