I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
I said I wanted my dignity back. He brought my thong to me after sharpie-ing "dignity" on the front. I'm not sure if I should me mad or impressed.
it glows. i had to have it.
you were stumbling around in your attic looking for all your swim team medals because you wanted to "feel like a champion."
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just want dick. Yours just gets priority because it is glorious
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
He just lit his joint with the tiki torches around his pool. He is definitely coming to my future parties
No. I'm wrapped up in my sheets like a burrito. Carry me
How many strippers in the world do you think have had a debate with someone about the NRA?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It blows my mind that pandora doesn't have an : I want to lay in bed in the dark and be sad and cold and eat frozen mangos and chipotle all day station
Regret, thy taste is box wine.
don't worry about my dad. he just hates you because you're liberal, not because we're fucking.
Yeah. I'm so over work, that I'm not even satisfied pretending to work anymore. I just flat out want to go home. Fuck this job
He was awful. Hubby's was apparently epic. I suck at swinging.
So congratulations, your penis has now sent me to urgent care not once, but twice!
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