she has a tiny mouth but huuuge vocal chords
Dan just whipped out his wang to piss in a milk jug! Hello weekend.
dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
so this guy comes in from the patio covered in puke and says "we gotta go"...Yup u need to go is an understatement
woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
i had to apologize to my friends for being friends with me
If we get out of this alive, I'm never going to a Denny's at 3 am again.
I had ketchup on my elbow and a random girl goes "I got it" and licked it off, only on game day
Dude when we asked him where he lived all he could tell us was "by the slurpees." That fucked up.
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
I'm pretty sure I just discovered what the American Dream is said the person eating a hotdog for breakfast in bed in her underwear
With a stable of 7 fuck buddies, I literally use a random number generator to determine the order in which I will booty call them on my way home from work. I have not slept in my own bed in a month. I just keep half my clothes hanging in my car or in a suitcase.
Maybe for you. You don't have to clean the melted butter off the stove. I LOST THE SPECIAL SEASONINGS.
don’t ask me. i snorted coke off of a pregnancy test box last night. i obviously don’t make the best life choices.
Randomize
