dude i woke up laying next to some guy. i dont have my bra or his name. he has a nice tv though.
just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
just walked past a girl in her cap and gown puking her brains out beside a tree. her friends were taking pictures of her.
Do you understand how much easier life would be if fannypacks were normal
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I'm practically paying him in tacos to have sex with me.
This isnt meant to be as creepy as it sounds, but do you seriously want a lock of the hair I cut off?
the potatoes in the margarita machine wasn't the breaking point. its when he turned on the stove and put a bunch of bottle rockets on it that i knew the night had prematurely failed
You're in a tuxedo, you can pee wherever you want.
Cuz I feel like I ate the whole candy isle at 7/11 last night and chased it with rum
You pretty much did tho
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40s are totally the cure
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
I just said "I love my cat" as a hobby.
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
That jawline could fucking have its way with me.
No I’m scared man. She sharted. In my car. Wearing a dress. And I still like her.
Wow
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