happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
about that...
all i need in life is blowjobs and white cheddar cheezits
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
I'm watching a Sinbad stand up special. Not even drugs can make this funny.
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
all i remember is stealing his cheesepuffs and shaving my vagina in the hotel lobby
I dunno if we should get high tonight man. its daylight savings. time travel is just too much for me right now.
I am so 35 right now. Listening to REM, drinking red wine, and crying over an article about ecstasy in oprah magazine.
he said something along the lines of "fish can smell fear"
I pissed myself at the bar so I threw away my wet underwear and kept partying... you act you've never done that before
I've got mace and a condom. Ready to roll either way and keeping my pimp hand strong.
He called from a stranger phone to say. He was a t a liquior store and there was a long line they have no condoms. This is the guy i was gonna go on a date with
Atleast he is letting you know he will be late
You thought that you were playing full contact and started screaming "I will fucking end you! I will end you!" and tried tackling everyone in the room.
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
Now we just need to figure out why your underwear was in your bra
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