My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
Rode a jet ski for the first time three days after I lost my virginity. Hell of a week for my vagina.
Why do I feel like the only way for this trip to end is alcohol poisoning?
I'm that hungover student in class ... On a wednesday morning
Omg I think I'm in the wrong class
Seriously, dude... You knows its bad when you gag on her nipple.
it's a drink the shower water kind of morning ...
Using a 12 year old as a wingman. Does that make me a bad person?
Jesus Christ. If I were a normal sex-having person, I'd think I was knocked up. I'm cycling through emotions like I'm in a decathlon to crazy.
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
He staggered in with his pants around his ankles and yelled that he lost his pants
The exact people you expect to find at a bar at 2pm are here. Come visit. We'd really like the company.
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
We were covered in sweat and glitter, making out onstage, in front of everyone. I think it was a good night.
Randomize
